It’s an odd feeling…knowing that you don’t fit in.
I’ve felt like this off and on for good portions of my life but never so strongly as I have lately.
Too Christian, not Christian enough, not thin, not pretty, not enough formal education, husband doesn’t carry the “right” job title, don’t play the games, not a man…I could keep going on and on listing reasons what’s wrong with me, why I’m not further along in life or why I don’t fit in.
Sometimes that nagging thought of “I don’t fit in, I’ll never belong” isn’t true.
But sometimes it is. And I have to ask myself some hard questions:
- Why do I feel that way?
- When do I feel that way? Only on a bad day? Consistently?
- Am I a person who is part of the problem or part of the solution?
- Would I want to be friends with me?
- Am I a “go to” person?
- Am I reliable?
- Am I happy?
- Why does it matter so much?
- Do I actually WANT to belong?
It’s the last question that lingers and keeps me up at night.
I’m not the only one that feels this way. We all carry around our issues, wounds, hurts, daddy issues, and scars. We hide them and hide who we are. All because we want to fit in.
I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of playing a game that I don’t really want to win. I can’t look myself in the eye anymore.
Now how do I find the strength to stop doing things that don’t work?