I’ve been saying “no” on a daily basis for the past several months.
No to the women’s retreat.
No to the staff and spouses event.
No to the Girls Night.
These “no’s” were just this month. I’m sure there are more if I stopped to think about it. Up until last week, I gave what I thought were socially accepted excuses but then I decided to be honest. I’m saying “no” because I just can’t. I was never any good at playing the part of a good church wife even on my best day but I tried.
Boy, how I tried.
But I don’t have it in me anymore. The well is almost dry. I say “almost” because I do believe I have a little bit left in me.
I’m hoping whatever small amount of trust and faith I still have left will be enough for now.
In my wounded and jaded heart, I’m still clinging to the hope that Matthew 17:20 is true. “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.”
I’m hoping that time and God are the healer of wounds. Right now, both are helping me get enough distance and perspective to see that people are…people. I hold people to too high of a standards and when they hurt me (because if you’re alive and not alone in a cave, people WILL hurt you), it hurts more. I’m also seeing that I didn’t do everything right. In some cases, I’m reaping what I sowed.
I’m still saying “yes” to church (and you have no idea how hard that is) and I forced myself to say “yes” to a small group. But that’s all I can do right now.
And that will have to be enough.